Dear Oscar, I am a sports nerd who studies stats. Like in baseball, I keep track of a pitcher's ERA against left and right-handed batters...

...among other meaningless numbers. Anyway, in studying your Running Log, I noticed that you don't seem to be running much so far this month. What's up, are you getting soft in your old age? -- A Nerdy, But Devoted Fan

Dear Fan,
First off, I am almost 3 years old. In dog years, I am just about "college-aged." Which, we all know, often can signify a decrease in meaningful productivity (which isn't to say it's not a time of productivity; said productivity during this timeframe is simply not meaningful!)

This is not, however, the case with me. I too have noticed the drop in miles, and I am not pleased about it. My humans continue to follow a course of long runs on Sundays and track workouts later in the week. I am not included in these workouts, and, as you can imagine, I call "Foul."

They have, however, incorporated a new practice to our schedules: the "bike ride to the river." What they will do is bring me down to the garage, grab a mountain bike, and then ride to the river. I, meanwhile, run full-speed next to them on their bikes. It is FUN! And it isn't too time-consuming for them, so I have been making way more trips to visit and swim in the Winooski! It is an interesting new twist in our exercise relationship; they can keep up with me on those two-wheelers. It's sort of like backcountry skiing without the uphill part. Finally, an activity we can truly do together. Seriously, the runs are good, but can you humans please pick it up a couple of notches? Sheesh, it's like running with a bunch of turtles!

In other news, I am pleased to report that I have lost the designation of "Most Destructive" at my residence in Richmond, Vermont! That designation now falls on Waffle the kitten, who has destroyed the weather stripping around the back door, countless toilet paper rolls, a couch -- and who walks on the heads of my humans from 2:30AM until daylight. I'm surprised they put up with it -- the head-walking, I mean. I stopped sleeping on the bed months ago. Once I see that kitten show up at night, I don't mess around -- I'm outta there. It's on the floor for me. I don't have time to be losing any sleep.
Your friend, Oscar

Dear Oscar, I work with this really cute girl, but don't know if I should ask her out. What should I do? Jonesin' for Love, Jim

Dear Jonesin’ Jim,

Before I started writing my own blog, if you'd have told me I'd be giving out dating advice, I wouldn't have believed you. The things people ask a dog with a blog!

Okay then. Listen to me Jim, and listen carefully: when I see something I want (and bear in mind, these things are generally food-related), I do one of two things. Usually, I don’t think; I just go for it. It’s there; why not take it? For example, the other day, someone left some cupcakes on the counter. You think I hemmed and hawed and wondered what to do (like you're doing)? Of course not! I put my front paws on the counter and started licking. By the time my human realized what was up, I had already licked all the frosting off the first cake. Yummm!

Maybe you aren't a man of action. Which is okay; indecision is appropriate in many situations (although I can't think of what situations these are... but I hope I'm making you feel better). Anyway, sometimes when my first approach doesn't work, I go to plan B. That's right... I beg! I’m not ashamed. If I think it’s dinner time, I have no qualms about scratching on the door to get attention. When my human comes over to let me out, I trot right over to my food dish and give the most pathetic look I can. Before begging this cutie of yours, however, I recommend practicing your pathetic look. You want to give her a real guilt complex -- like she is your last hope. You don’t want to give her any excuses for turning you down. Where’s my dignity, you ask? I don’t want dignity; I want food. Priorities, Jim.

I hope you find this advice helpful. If you don’t get the girl, at least you should be able to score your next meal. These methods have never failed me.

Regards, Oscar

Dear Oscar, School starts again in less than a month! Yikes! What is the best way for me to protect my schoolbooks? Thanks, A Scared Student

Dear Student, Don't be scared. School is nothing to be afraid of. Well, I guess that's easy for me to say; I've never been to school. Those obedience training places where they bring puppies? Never went. Are you surprised?

As for your schoolbooks, how am I supposed to know? Try not drooling on them for starters. That should help protect them. I have seen kids on my street going to school with books that have homemade book covers. They appear to have been made out of paper grocery bags -- an excellent example of re-using resources.

I have only read one book (pictured above), and I didn't read the whole thing. Pawing through the pages, I was appalled to discover it was about an undisciplined yellow dog who chewed all his owner's belongings. Not exactly subject matter I approve of, now is it?

However, I don't believe in censorship or book burning (or other forms of book-destruction) either. But I couldn't just let this slide, could I? Here's what I did: Very carefully, I chewed the lower corner of the book (see photo), even though it was on loan to my human. It was my way of clarifying how I felt about the topic.

I think I made my point. At least, my human never returned it. She said she was too embarrassed that it was all chewed up. This is a lie. I much prefer to believe she didn't think people should be making fun of dogs who don't come when called.

Hope this helps. Enjoy what's left of your vacation.

Oscar

Dear Oscar, How does the heat of summer affect a dog while running? And are you still training as much as always? Your friend, Dwight

Dear Dwight, They say that heat affects dogs more acutely than it affects humans. I say this is ludicrous. Heat or no heat, I have never seen a human who can outrun me. I mean, I'm not saying I would try to run through the Sahara or anything; I'm just giving you the facts. What I would say is this: don't forget to drink lots of water and to save some for your dog. Also, I have no qualms about plopping my whole self into a pond, puddle, lake, or stream that I might encounter on a hot summer day mid-run. I love trying to run through a puddle and drinking on the fly. But that's not just in the heat; that's anytime!

As far as my current training, no, I'm not running quite as much as usual, and I'm bitter. Here's the deal: my humans are at that point in their current marathon training when they are running longer distances on Sundays. 14, 16, 18, and 20 milers. And their rule is that I don't go on runs of over 13 miles. This is hogwash! And I let them know it last week by chewing Alison's backpack (again). I also ate her Shot Blocks -- very tasty, thank you. Also, they are incorporating track workouts into their regimen. That means they actually time themselves over set distances. Last week they did 4 800 yarders at the South Burlington High School track. And they didn't bring me. They seem to think I can't focus enough to run hard for those distances.

Well, they're right... but why would I want to!?! When I run, I want to smell a bush every now and again, check out a squirrel, or pause at puddles. I don't know who gave them the silly idea that speed workouts will improve their marathon times, but I would like to have a word with whoever it was.

So, no, I seem to be getting left behind a little bit these days, and, let me tell you, I am not too pleased about it.

Regards, Oscar