Why scam a dog?

I do not understand humans. Case in point: I opened up my laptop this morning for the first time in months.

Do I do most of my computing on a smartphone, you ask? No! I'm a dog, I don't have a phone!

Do I use someone else's computer to take care of my web browsing, emailing, and other electronic needs, you wonder? Well, duh, of course I'm using my human's computer -- no dog can just walk into a computer store and buy a laptop; besides, why would I waste money that could otherwise be spent on dog food, human food, or toys when I have access to a perfectly good computer already (don't tell my humans).

Well, then, how can I bear to go months without logging on, you say? I'm a dog! I don't care about surfing the web, et cetera. I care about three things: food, food, and food. Now quit interrupting!

Anyway, as I was saying, after logging on for the first time in months, I open my email account (oscarvt99@gmail.com) and it is filled with spam. I have three guys wanting to sell me cars, several women who think I'm fun and want to meet up, many people offering to loan me money, tons offering me medications, and one semi-acquaintance who is vacationing in Turkey, hates to bother me at this time, but has fallen on hard times (i.e. he lost his wallet and passport) and needs me to wire him money. I doubt many canines can compete with me in terms of traffic coming into my inbox!

I am a dog. I don't need meds, cars, or money, and I don't visit websites I'm unfamiliar with. Now, if there was a dog bone scam someone was running, I might fall into that trap.

But these scammers here are barking up the wrong tree.

Dear Oscar, Do you really think readers will follow your blog if you don't post consistently? Loyal Follower

Dear Follower,

This question came in several weeks back. The question is paraphrased (as is the name of the questioner). The question went on in the following vein: listen dog, you haven't posted in forever. You don't have a job or any real responsibilities. While your humans may have excuses for decreased blog presence, you do not. Do you really think loyal readers are going to continue checking your blog if you don't post consistently?

My answer, as a dog with a blog, is simple.

Yes.

Hope this helps! Your friend, Oscar

PS I also hope you'll enjoy the photo of a backcountry ski trip from 6 weeks ago!

Older Siblings

Where would the world be without big brothers? Gladys the dog and Waffle the cat are so lucky. I should know; I'm their big brother. They don't know how good they have it.

Speaking of oldest brothers, Chris Gallagher was here for the last 10 days. That guy knows how to vacation. First he chilled on the coast of Maine for a long weekend (a vacation he called very relaxing... except that he had to get up at 5 every morning while a bunch of triathletes breakfasted around him), then he biked all over northern Vermont, saw two major concerts, hung at the Camp in North Hero... the guy did it right.

And, to boot, he came up with a beautiful piece of advice for this blog. Noting that -- because of my various commitments and responsibilities (mostly as oldest sibling) -- I have experienced difficulties keeping up my running log, he suggested a change. Moving forward, I plan to log Gunnar's time in his Chariot -- the running stroller/ bike trailer/ ski trailer.

I won't tip-toe around the issue: I'm cutting back my mileage a bit. I have a long ways to go and a lot of years to do it in. I don't need to run all my miles at once. And I can share my running log space with our new family addition.

Photo: Showing my younger sister how to sit at the front of the boat.

Dear Oscar, Have you been doing any Mountain running lately? --Trailrunner

Dear Trailrunner,

Yes, in fact, I have. Twice in the past month, Mark and I have met uber-runner Dave Baird for runs up Mount Mansfield. Dave has been training for this weekend's Vermont 100 endurance run, and, let me tell you, the boy is in shape! 100-milers are never easy, but I am fully confident that he is going to sail through this one, achieving all his goals in the process!

I do feel a little badly that my performance wasn't quite as strong. Dave acted impressed by my scampering over rocks and steeps on both the ups and the downs. But on both trips I balked and made us change our route. What kind of mountain dog am I?

The first instance came on Run #1. It was a wet morning (see photo), and we came to a ladder up a cliff on the Long Trail. There was simply no other way around. And I just didn't want to climb that ladder (and Mark didn't want to carry a squirming 82-pounder). So we went around on the Forehead Bypass route and did just as well.

Instance Number Two came on the second run -- this past Saturday. The weather, different than that first run, was gloriously sunny and dry, but the trails were still damp and pretty slick after the deluge (aka the month of June). We decided to take a little detour on a side trail neither Mark nor Dave had ever done -- the Lakeview. It was a perfect day for it, looking west towards Champlain was crystal clear, and a GMC staffer had told us it would be a nice little side trail to jog with a dog. What was she thinking? The trail wasn't sketchy by any means. But for future reference, one, you don't "jog" on Class 3-4 rocks. And dogs -- while we love scrambling -- don't do well with exposure. We scrambled over a couple of sticky spots before turning around (yes, back over the aforementioned stickies) and getting back on the main trail.

Dave claims he's still impressed with my scrambling ability, but I feel I let him down.

At any rate, I sure wish I could make it up to him by pacing him at the 100. But, while Mark will be down there for Miles 70 to 100, pushing him to keep running and (hopefully) keeping him on the route, I'll be home with Gladys and Waffle. Good luck Dave -- I know you're going to kick rear-end!

Oscar

Dear Oscar, I noticed you only ran 1.6 miles on June 26. That seems less than your usual distance. What gives? -- Distance Tracker

Dear Tracker,

I hesitate to even discuss this. Because it's really no big deal.

I mean, look at Patrice Bergeron, center for the Boston Bruins. He went to the hospital after Game 6 of the Stanley Cup final with a broken rib and punctured lung!

So a little sore paw shouldn't hold me back. Yes, I limped after a mile yesterday. Yes, I let Mark soak my paw in epsom salts. Yes, I'm enjoying some uncharacteristic R & R right now.

And, yes, I'll be right back out there before you know it!

Oscar

Dear Oscar, Do you ever go on outings with the entire family? -- Traveling in Tuscaloosa

Photo by Rebekah Thomas

Dear Traveler,

It doesn't happen often. Of course, Gladys and I are no strangers to trips and car travel, but Waffle the cat rarely rides in the car. Really, there would be just two scenarios where the Waffle-cat would car it: when the family goes to the Aiken camp in North Hero for a week... or when it's time for a vet appointment.

Last week -- historically -- the latter came to pass. And why, you ask, do I say the occasion was historic? After all, Waffle's been to lots of vet appointments.

History was made because it was the first time the entire family (and by "entire" I mean "in its current form"... and by "current" I mean "P.G."... and by "P.G." I mean "post-Gunnar) was together at a location other than our home in Richmond. Yes, that's right: Ali and Mark brought the entire family -- that is, two dogs, the cat, the kid, and themselves -- to the vet appointment.

I will submit to you straight out that multiple parties (for example, Ali, Mark, and the vet staff) displayed brazen courage (bordering on recklessness) just scheduling the appointment. But we all three were due for vaccines, so why not get it all done at once? That was Mark and Ali's thinking anyway. Sounds easy enough, right?

At first, when Waffle heard that a car ride was imminent (that is, when he saw the cat-carrier getting pulled out), he bolted. In fact, Mark finally left for the vet with just Gladys and me, leaving Ali at home to ambush the cat, if possible. Even though this has been done before (that is, Gladys and I going to the vet together), Gladys and I can take over a vet office with just our sheer enthusiasm. I seldom strain at my leash, but I LOVE the vet, so I pulled Mark right in. Gladys jumped on the scale, so a small vet tech took my leash and I promptly dragged her into the offices behind the front counter. By the time they had us into our own exam room, and Dr. Dan (the best vet ever) was examining Gladys, Ali showed up with Waffle and Gunnar -- and I'm not sure whose wailing was louder -- the cat's or the 10-week-old baby's. (Ali reports that -- for sanity purposes -- she listened to Brandi Carlile on the 5 minute car ride... loudly.) Meanwhile, I assure you that no work got done in that office during the length of our visit.

They gave Mark another exam room in order to perform his own operation (that is, a diaper change), and after that, things mellowed out to some extent. As always, Gladys and I received perfect bills of health (a little running around -- but not too much! -- goes a long way for a dog). As always, Waffle was told he needs to cut out the desserts. And the snacks. And get a little more exercise. Poor cat: the two things he does best are eat and sleep.

Well, Waffle, I hope you lose a few pounds this summer. Because then, maybe you'll enjoy the next vet visit too.

Hope this answers the question.

Your friend, Oscar

Dear Oscar, Have you ever done any river rafting? And how's life with the new baby? Do you help with diaper changes? -- Rio Grande River Runner

Dear Rio Runner,

No, I have never done any rafting -- thanks for asking. But one time I did swim three quarters of a mile down the river in my town. Good fun!

Regarding diaper changes, no, I steer clear of those too. However, here's what I have gathered from my human -- who, incidentally, used to do a bit of river boating and even guided one summer on the San Juan in Colorado: there are certain grades -- or classes -- of dirty diapers. Read on... if you dare:

Riffle: No real damage. Leave diaper on.

Class I: Pee or poo. Straightforward change.

Class II: Significant pee or poo. Straightforward change, but proceed with caution.

Class III: Explosive pee or poo. Frontal coverage probable. Not straightforward; attention required throughout process. Diaper cover replacement probable. Experts only.

Class IV: Explosive pee and poo with substantial frontal coverage. Major undertaking; scouting recommended. Use of gloves suggested. Diaper cover replacement certain. Some risk of injury.

Class V: Gigantic. Only occur under certain conditions, like weather events, holidays, or after intro to solid foods. Total chaos assured. Possible diaper loss. Protective equipment necessary. Extremely experienced teams only.

Class VI: Death or injury may occur.

As always, this guideline is no substitute for good experience and lots of it. Also, please bear in mind that I am a dog, my brain is the size of a walnut, and I have neither rafted nor changed a diaper.

That's all!

Oscar