Dear Oscar, Have you ever done any river rafting? And how's life with the new baby? Do you help with diaper changes? -- Rio Grande River Runner

Dear Rio Runner,

No, I have never done any rafting -- thanks for asking. But one time I did swim three quarters of a mile down the river in my town. Good fun!

Regarding diaper changes, no, I steer clear of those too. However, here's what I have gathered from my human -- who, incidentally, used to do a bit of river boating and even guided one summer on the San Juan in Colorado: there are certain grades -- or classes -- of dirty diapers. Read on... if you dare:

Riffle: No real damage. Leave diaper on.

Class I: Pee or poo. Straightforward change.

Class II: Significant pee or poo. Straightforward change, but proceed with caution.

Class III: Explosive pee or poo. Frontal coverage probable. Not straightforward; attention required throughout process. Diaper cover replacement probable. Experts only.

Class IV: Explosive pee and poo with substantial frontal coverage. Major undertaking; scouting recommended. Use of gloves suggested. Diaper cover replacement certain. Some risk of injury.

Class V: Gigantic. Only occur under certain conditions, like weather events, holidays, or after intro to solid foods. Total chaos assured. Possible diaper loss. Protective equipment necessary. Extremely experienced teams only.

Class VI: Death or injury may occur.

As always, this guideline is no substitute for good experience and lots of it. Also, please bear in mind that I am a dog, my brain is the size of a walnut, and I have neither rafted nor changed a diaper.

That's all!

Oscar