Dear Oscar, My owners just had someone measure my yard for a fence. A fence! Help! Why are they doing this to me? What did I do? Regards, Riley

Dear Riley,

Just calm down, buddy! First off, repeat five times:

I may be the dog, but I am really the master...
I may be the dog, but I am really the master...

Feel a little better? Good dog. Okay then, just to let you know, you can always find a weak link in your fence. And even if the installer is that good (which is highly unlikely), have no fear. Your own human (the dope!) will mistakenly leave the gate open just long enough for you to bound through to freedom. Repeatedly.

The important point here, once again, is to give your humans the illusion that they control your life. It makes them feel better to believe this. I know the "sit, stay, come" bit can be tedious, but throw the human a beer once in awhile (note the play on the old "throw the dog a bone" saying). Let them believe, and then they'll let their guard down. And next time you see a dead carcass in a field somewhere, boy will it be worth it. Roll away, baby!

So don't sweat the fence. You're just as free as you ever were, and those saps are feeding you Milk Bones to boot.

Have a good day, Oscar

PS Riley, on another note, I hope you're feeling better. You and your owners are really an inspiration. Best wishes!